The Journey (To Know Your Name)

Once in a while, on your journey, you take a break from being yourself and just allow the you within slip away. You get spirited away and fall into a time wormhole. There, you sit and recollect your pieces.

I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failings would've drowned me
But still You made a way

I am afraid of who I was, who I am. I fear many things, and learnt that sometimes fear does help you to keep yourself on your feet. But if fear has been drilled so many times, sometimes it does lose that hold on you. And that is what I am most afraid of - I am afraid of not being afraid of fear itself. Is this Bravery? Or Courage? Hardly so. It is just another form of my fear - the fear of disappointment.

I remember I had an interesting dream once that left me teary. In the dream I was in a bright place with walls covered in a brilliant white. I was in a long hallway and there were towering windows on both sides. Sunlight was beaming in and unlike normal sunlight that stung eyes, this had a strange radiance to it. And its glow brought me warmth in my belly. Walking past the cascading glass windows, I spotted something at the back of the hallway. It seemed like a strange small black blurry something. As I approached it, it shook in ripples and took its form slowly - first corners, then edges, then the black into a dark grey, whites spots flowed in and spilled over, shapes took form, circles and then faces... five faces... smiling faces.

It was a family photo. A nice black and white photo of me and she. And our family.

I remember hearing an echo voice in my head. He spoke words I didn't quite understand. All I understood was the familiarity attached to the muffled voice. It felt like my father. But he was gentler. Nicer. Warmer. Like fire.

I woke up eventually.
Without knowing her name.

---

Stop trying to be so lonely
Be strong and be brave, and begin your story
Because that's all that you've got
When you are a part of this world

Break out now and into
Everything there is to come
Break out and see
What I can become
I'm dying (always trying) to be
But I know, still, You just see 'me'